And I'm here again!

So this time it won't be some sociopolitical, geopolitical type piece, but maybe more about something- personal, general. Initially, I figured out two titles to write about this month, one was - "It's ok or is it ok ?" The second one was "the curse of being a counsellor." Now, these titles are very generic, and you might not get what I meant by them unless, of course, I write about it today.

(P.S.) I have yapped a lot about many things, so if you have that thing inside yourself to read people and know them, maybe you can read and perhaps even appreciate it, but if you don't have the patience to read and know a being, then this piece is not for you. One more thing, read slowly, pause... and read...

So, just minutes ago, I was thinking about myself and realised that I am not an ambitious anymore as I used to be. I am not the same person as I was, and in the bed light, I am saying it, not remaining the same person is ok. No one truly remains the same; time changes, and so does everyone and everything about them, for the other and for their own (read it again, it can have a deep interpretation). Hence, it's fine not to be the same, but becoming a non-ambitious person from an ambitious one is not the right thing that happened to me. I have lost all my interests, all those big ideas, and that thrill of doing something new.

Back then, in late 9th and early 10th, I started a podcast, although I started it with the purpose that, should this podcast thing grow, I would make money from it. What started as a dream to make money remained a dream (in fact, Spotify hasn't enabled monetisation for Indian creators to date). Still, at least I started something of my own, maybe it's with the intention to earn money. I had ambition to earn money, to earn fame, to earn respect but now for some reason I don't have that ambition, I still want to earn money but now I'm settling for something very less, I want to earn safe money by getting a job, this is not an ambition, for the simple reason because earning money in isolation is not ambition but wanting to earn good crazy money can be said to be an ambition. Well Still, I want to earn quite well, but I know the limits, and I know it would not be fun and different experience as it would have been had I kept my ambitions intact.

The podcast I started, the name of it was — The Aspiring Podcast, 💀 yeah, even the name was ambitious.

After the podcast, this thing happened, yeah, this page where you are reading me, right now. Then, thereafter, my Instagram where I posted lots of small political thoughts, stories and much more, then happened 12th, and I started preparing for an exam, came to this college, and since then, nothing crazy or creative I have done, except that one video which I posted a month or two ago. Life has become more monotonous than it was, no big dreams, no crazy ambitions, of course I daydream, but only daydreaming does not help, because living in imagination and dreaming are two different things and never get trapped in it, it's a very big trap.

The diagnosis which I see is that I am suffering from the disease called "infection of Imitation", it's actually from the three laws of Tarde. This suggests that we humans imitate the superior beings, those who are above us; we tend to imitate them. And that's what most of us are suffering from‐ following the trend, walking the same paths. We are just imitating others; nothing is of our own.

Tomorrow I have my exam, and at this point, I really don't care, do I? I myself do not know, because at times I do care and at times I don't. Maybe I really don't want marks, but because everyone wants marks, so do I. Maybe this is again because of my lack of ambition. But I think getting good marks was never an ambition for me; marks used to come behind me; I didn't use to run behind them, but what's happening now is totally opposite. The real reason, as I said, is infections of Imitation. I want marks because they will help me get a job. I want a job because everyone wants a job. But if you ask yourself or I ask myself, I think we don't want to or wanted to do a job in the first place, but do something different, but for some people, they truly wanted to get a job right from the beginning. But the question is, did you want it? The answer perhaps would be— Nah, neh. You wanted to pursue and cherish your ambitions and lead a life which is little risky, adventurous, and maybe thrilling, but as you grew, those things were lost because of the conditioning and getting trapped in comfort of making safe choices.

In Jostein garder's Sophie's world, I still I remember there was a para that as we grow we ksep getting inside the fur of the rabbit, what he meant was when we were child we were on the edge of fur, where we were experimenting, dreaming doing everything, everything was within out limit but as we grew we started telling ourself that this is not practical and possible and started limiting ourselved due to condition and getting inside the fur of rabbit seeking comfort.

And very true words indeed. Don't know about you or others, but I see this happening to me. From once dreaming of becoming a scientist to finding science hard, from dreaming of becoming a Prime Minister to even finding it hard to join a political party and establish as a known face. And now, from finding it easier to get a job to finding that too, hard as well. This happens maybe because either our dreams aren't our dreams or we don't give our dreams a good chance or reasons to succeed, rather than citing reasons why it's impractical.

I think the only way out of this worldly fiasco is to find where we belong, what our dreams and ambitions are, and whether we are suffering from the infection of imitation, through self-reflection. So relfect.

The last good thing I did for myself was participating in a small quiz competition, and I came out as runner-up, my first competition 🥹in two years. Because I felt for it that this is for me and it is made for me, and indeed it was made for me.

I'll see you in the next one. Until then, a very happy month. The purpose of writing this is simple: letting out what's inside and, through stories, coming up with something meaningful. I hope you find it meaningful. If you then let me know by hitting that like icon, it's free (paisa aur reach bhi nhi milta yaar iska toh), just so I can know that you are still with me till here.

Thank you for reading :)